How to Get Kids to Put Down Screens and Spend Time with Family
When Everything is a Struggle
I was talking to a friend the other day who started telling me about her struggles with family time. She complained that every time she tried to incorporate a family night of games or other activities, her two boys argued the entire time. In addition, when she asks them to help around the house, they complain and argue with her so much that she finally gives up and doesn’t force the issue.
As we continued to talk, I asked her what the boys do for their free time and what does she do with them 1:1. She admitted that the kids spend their time on computer games – even when she is with them 1:1.
My friend has two things going for her. One, she values family time. Two, she is trying to interact with her kids by showing them her interest in their world. So, why are her kids not responding?
I have heard similar stories from several parents. They want to be involved in their kids’ lives but their kids don’t seem to care and/or make it extremely difficult to have fun as a family. Though we could easily blame the situation on kids’ addiction to video games or screens, I would dig deeper and instead, ask:
What foundation are we setting up for our kids that teaches and models healthy family interaction?
I ask this because the problem isn’t always with the specific activity that kids are choosing to do over spending time with family or responsibilities. Rather, the problem arises from a lack of parents’ consistency in acting out the family values.
If spending time with your kids is important to you as a parent, then you have to be consistent in setting aside time for that. It is in consistency that a relationship (and trust) is built, and from there you build everything else.
Let’s discuss three ways you can take steps toward replicating your family values in real time.
1. Intentional Time
As your kids get older and become more independent, it’s easy to let 1:1 parent/child time together slide. Yet, this intentional time together is important throughout all of your kid’s childhood. It is the key to establishing a trusting relationship that includes listening, talking, playing, and interacting in a variety of situations and activities.
Often, when getting your kids involved in family time becomes a struggle, it means that you have let this 1:1 time go to the wayside. Now that you realize it, you might feel like it’s too late to find that connection again.
It’s not too late! There are steps you can take to re-establish connection with your kids.
Small Steps
Take small steps. Little by little, do things that engage your child even if just for a few minutes. And make sure it is distraction free! Though my friend was taking the time to talk to her kids and ask questions about their games and interests every evening, her kids were distracted with their computer games. Instead, pay attention to your kids’ interests and then go do that together in another location, separate from the distractions.
What this might look like:
If your kids like gaming, go play laser tag together or do a workshop on coding together. If you really want them to branch out from their games, think about what their other interests are or maybe used to be and find a way to do that together.
For those shorter 1:1 interactions, consider gradually including them in your own activities by showing them the new seedlings in your herb garden or sharing an interesting thing you learned or person you met that day. My 8 year old son wants to publish his comic books one day, so when I met an editor and publisher at a work event, I told him about it. I also made a point to tell him that I am discussing with this publisher how to publish a kid’s comic book. This only took a few minutes, while my son and I sat on the porch together that evening, but I could see his interest and appreciation that I was thinking of him even when I was at work.
You may notice that side by side interactions while doing something together are the easiest to engage in, allowing for casual conversation.
Does this type of 1:1 time together require more thought and action from us than just sitting in our kids’ bedroom talking over the computer game? Yes it does, and change won’t happen over night. But is it worth it? You bet!
2. Free Time
In order for your kid to know what he likes to do, he has to have a chance to explore. This means trying different things. He might want to be on his computer all day, but you can set limits to electronic time and then guide him toward other activities. Kids will complain that they are bored but that is just an opportunity to think creatively.
What this might look like:
Is it a sunny day outside? Get outside and throw a frisby, ride a bike, plant a flower, take a walk, have a picnic, play in the dirt, fly a kite, or any number of things. If the weather outside isn’t so great, encourage reading, writing, drawing, games, skits, make believe, baking, Legos, slime making, crafts from recycled material, singing, or any other creative activity. (tip: you can do these activities with your kids too.) You would be surprised how much fun your kids (and you) have and the change in energy once you get started.
The point is to help your child learn who he is and to build his own self confidence as he discovers other creative interests. In turn, he has a more open mind and is willing to do other activities with you and the whole family.
3. Family Time
Naturally, as you build this 1:1 relationship with your kid, family time will roll around more smoothly. Why? Because your kids trust you. They have seen how you consistently show up, taking the time to know them and to do things with them. They now believe that this family time is not just some random “show” of togetherness; rather, it is born from real experience and real connection. And, now that you know your kid better, it will be easier to decide what family activities to do together.
What this might look like:
For instance, maybe you want to do a family movie night. In the past, your family spent way too much time arguing over what movie to watch. Why? Possibly because family time was so erratic, they subconsciously believed that this was the only movie night they would get, so they acted as if they would absolutely die if their movie choice wasn’t chosen. This time around, they know that they get mom and dad’s attention on a regular basis and that mom and dad know what they like. So, they don’t bank everything on the movie choice.
Also, because you know that your one kid loves party themes, you decide to choose movies based on a theme. That means this movie night is scary movies. As long as the movie choice fits with the theme, everyone is happy. (Tip: keep a family movie wish list organized by themes and check them off each time to make this process easier.) Your kid who loves themes (and acting too) has planned an introductory skit before the movie. Your other kid who loves cooking has planned a dinner or snack around the theme.
See what you just did? You took into account your kids’ individual personalities (that you took time to encourage during free time and notice during 1:1 time) and let them shine while also having family time. This is teamwork – another good skill for life.
In Summary
So, the next time you try to get your kids involved – whether its to do chores or hang out with the family – and they don’t want to join in, consider what kind of relationship you have built with them first. Would it be easier to just tell your kids “Because I told you to” and be done with it? Maybe in the short run (if they actually listen without arguing). But would that fulfill your true desires for your family? The ones that include a real connection with your kids and actual joy? I don’t think so.
All the skills that we want to teach our kids will come more naturally to our kids (and with more authenticity and joy) if we first take the time to build that foundation of 1:1 connection with them. I believe that you can do this. And when you do, let me know how it goes. I can’t promise it will be a fast transformation or even go perfectly everytime. All good things take time. And that time begins now, no matter where you’re starting from. You got this!
Need ideas for spending 1:1 time with your child? I’ve got a great FREE GUIDE to Quality Time right here.
